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The picture of "Meh"

 If there was a poster child for "meh" I think it would be me.  That's where I've been stuck for the last few weeks.  I don't care.  Or I care, but just not enough to do anything. Last week I had a colonoscopy, which meant a day of only liquids.  After that it seems like I've just been grazing.  Then I scratched my cornea, so I spent most of the week in the dark.  I'm still recovering from that and it just feels like everything is a bother. The horrible part of self worth is that it is so easy to lose what worth you have.  I can read self help quotes and spout the mantra "you are worth it!" but in my head the voice says "are you really??" I am.  Right?  I mean, I'm a good person for the most part.  I try to be a good friend, a good coworker, a good daughter and decent sibling.  I think the problem is I have a hard time being good to myself.  I am still so wrapped up in comforting myself with food too.  Poor Karen, she...
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It was a bad day

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I definitely had a bad day today. It was treat day and I threw all my recovery steps away and binged. I had four servings of  noodles, four rice crispy treats, a half a doughnut, and countless oatmeal fudge peanut butter drops.  I kept going back for the noodles over and over again. I just couldn’t seem to get full. When I finally did feel full I was overfull and felt sick. I quite literally took myself to the point of wanting to vomit, but I didn’t. After work I had an appointment with my dietitian. As sick as I was, and even more so as ashamed of myself as I was, I kept my meeting with her.  I can’t lie, I wanted to cancel so bad. But I knew that skipping my appointment would keep me from being accountable for what I did today. Being accountable means that I can work on finding solutions so it doesn’t happen again. I have the battle of the voices in my head. It is literally the angel and the devil on the shoulders.  Eat this, it tastes great! Don’t eat that, you do...
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Another step

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  This quote really hit me today. The longer I stay where I am the longer the road will be. I want to get to what I feel is a normal relationship with food, although I’m not sure what that is.  I know part of it would be not having the obsessive feeling of wanting more. This morning I had toast for breakfast. I ate one piece of bread while I was waiting for the other two to toast.  I inhaled the two pieces of toast lavished with butter, but I forgot to actually stop and enjoy them. As a result I really would like to put two more pieces in the toaster and start over again. The hardest part of my recovery is wanting more. I want that sense of fullness, and I feel like I need to get there fast. As I sit here drinking my coffee and letting my toast settle I realize I am full. I actually have the fullness I desire. I realize that fullness for me carry so much meaning. It means I’m safe. It means I’m loved. There’s all these emotions wrapped up with fullness, when really the em...
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Step one

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  I don’t want to stay where I am. I don’t like feeling lost. I have dreams, I have goals, and I will get there. The sabotaging part of myself thinks that that should be easy. I have this idea that therapy and working on things is this linear path towards being cured. In reality the path is much more like a tangled ball of string.  My biggest roadblock is feeling emotions. I’ve learned to block them off so well that sometimes I don’t even know how to pull back the layers and find the true emotion underneath. Truth be told that if I’d let myself admit it, there’s a lot of sadness and a lot of anger buried within me. I had a good therapeutic cry yesterday and it helped. I don’t think I’m done yet, the tears keep springing up. It’s getting closer to the anniversary of Michael‘s death and I’m not dealing the best with it. I say I’m not doing the best with it like there’s rules for dealing with it!  I’m learning that strength is not measured by the tears that flow. Strength is...
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