Step one

 

I don’t want to stay where I am. I don’t like feeling lost. I have dreams, I have goals, and I will get there.

The sabotaging part of myself thinks that that should be easy. I have this idea that therapy and working on things is this linear path towards being cured. In reality the path is much more like a tangled ball of string. 

My biggest roadblock is feeling emotions. I’ve learned to block them off so well that sometimes I don’t even know how to pull back the layers and find the true emotion underneath. Truth be told that if I’d let myself admit it, there’s a lot of sadness and a lot of anger buried within me.

I had a good therapeutic cry yesterday and it helped. I don’t think I’m done yet, the tears keep springing up. It’s getting closer to the anniversary of Michael‘s death and I’m not dealing the best with it. I say I’m not doing the best with it like there’s rules for dealing with it!  I’m learning that strength is not measured by the tears that flow. Strength is the ability to feel. When I analyze it it’s true that embracing the feelings takes incredible strength! It’s scary to just allow yourself to be swallowed up by the feelings, but that’s where I need to go to find my freedom.

 I want to be to this imaginary finish line so fast, but most of the time I feel like I’m treading water. I suppose that’s part of the path of the tangled ball of string. 

Perhaps I just need to allow myself the right to be mad.

I am mad that Michael was taken away from me. 

I am mad that I didn’t have the nurturing growing up that I needed.

I am mad that I have to learn there are not good foods and bad foods, they are all foods. 

I am mad that I’m fat!

I am mad that I’ve been made handicapped. 

I actually feel better admitting all of that and letting it out. Maybe what I thought was sadness was actually anger. It feels OK to say that I’m angry about things. My heart actually feels lighter for it.

On the flipside there are so many things that I could be thankful for. 

I had almost 20 years with Michael, and that says a lot. 

I may not of had the nurturing I needed growing up, but I am learning to nurture myself.

I have the ability to relearn things that I need to know.

I may be fat and handicapped, but when given its chance I have a body that responds to nurturing.

First steps… They are a little bit shaky, but they’ve been taken!