The picture of "Meh"

 If there was a poster child for "meh" I think it would be me.  That's where I've been stuck for the last few weeks.  I don't care.  Or I care, but just not enough to do anything.

Last week I had a colonoscopy, which meant a day of only liquids.  After that it seems like I've just been grazing.  Then I scratched my cornea, so I spent most of the week in the dark.  I'm still recovering from that and it just feels like everything is a bother.

The horrible part of self worth is that it is so easy to lose what worth you have.  I can read self help quotes and spout the mantra "you are worth it!" but in my head the voice says "are you really??"

I am.  Right?  I mean, I'm a good person for the most part.  I try to be a good friend, a good coworker, a good daughter and decent sibling.  I think the problem is I have a hard time being good to myself.  I am still so wrapped up in comforting myself with food too.  Poor Karen, she deserves pizza rolls.  Screw the serving size!  Bring on the molten lava goodness, which to be honest isn't that good, it's the comfort of it.

Perhaps I should give myself more grace as I'm coming up on the anniversary of Michael's death.  Every day I look at my Facebook memories and think "little did I know in X days you'd be gone."  Pre-death and post death moments ... what a comparison.  Every day it's "I didn't know this would be the last time."

Maybe that's the source of the "meh."  More emotions I'd rather suffocate than feel.  I'm still working through that idea that strong doesn't mean emotionless.  Strong is feeling and coming out even more resilient on the other side.

I'm working on it.  I'm working on me.  "Meh" and all.