It was a bad day

I definitely had a bad day today. It was treat day and I threw all my recovery steps away and binged.

I had four servings of  noodles, four rice crispy treats, a half a doughnut, and countless oatmeal fudge peanut butter drops.  I kept going back for the noodles over and over again. I just couldn’t seem to get full. When I finally did feel full I was overfull and felt sick. I quite literally took myself to the point of wanting to vomit, but I didn’t.

After work I had an appointment with my dietitian. As sick as I was, and even more so as ashamed of myself as I was, I kept my meeting with her.  I can’t lie, I wanted to cancel so bad. But I knew that skipping my appointment would keep me from being accountable for what I did today. Being accountable means that I can work on finding solutions so it doesn’t happen again.

I have the battle of the voices in my head. It is literally the angel and the devil on the shoulders. 

Eat this, it tastes great!

Don’t eat that, you don’t need it!

The problem is the angel’s voice is much softer and quieter. Right now it’s almost a whisper.  It’s a very passive “hey, this might not be a good idea!”  I need to work on it being a stronger, more confident voice. It needs to be the voice that reminds me it’s not going to solve anything emotional. It needs to be the voice that reminds me that I’m stronger than any battle I face.  It needs to remind me that my health is worth it and my recovery is worth it.  

I was actually sent home with the rest of the noodles for dinner. I threw them away. I don’t need any more noodles today. This made me feel like I am taking back control.

I need to remember what it felt like to be so full. I felt miserable! My whole body felt sluggish. I think if I taken one bite of anything else I would’ve thrown up. I feel even larger than I am.  Emotionally I’m sad, disappointed, and a little bit scared because I was so out of control.

I’m not giving up. This was a speed bump. I’m going to pick up the ropes and let myself be pulled forward.