Step by step

I definitely had a bad day today. It was treat day and I threw all my recovery steps away and binged. I had four servings of  noodles, four rice crispy treats, a half a doughnut, and countless oatmeal fudge peanut butter drops.  I kept going back for the noodles over and over again. I just couldn’t seem to get full. When I finally did feel full I was overfull and felt sick. I quite literally took myself to the point of wanting to vomit, but I didn’t. After work I had an appointment with my dietitian. As sick as I was, and even more so as ashamed of myself as I was, I kept my meeting with her.  I can’t lie, I wanted to cancel so bad. But I knew that skipping my appointment would keep me from being accountable for what I did today. Being accountable means that I can work on finding solutions so it doesn’t happen again. I have the battle of the voices in my head. It is literally the angel and the devil on the shoulders.  Eat this, it tastes great! Don’t eat that, you do...

  This quote really hit me today. The longer I stay where I am the longer the road will be. I want to get to what I feel is a normal relationship with food, although I’m not sure what that is.  I know part of it would be not having the obsessive feeling of wanting more. This morning I had toast for breakfast. I ate one piece of bread while I was waiting for the other two to toast.  I inhaled the two pieces of toast lavished with butter, but I forgot to actually stop and enjoy them. As a result I really would like to put two more pieces in the toaster and start over again. The hardest part of my recovery is wanting more. I want that sense of fullness, and I feel like I need to get there fast. As I sit here drinking my coffee and letting my toast settle I realize I am full. I actually have the fullness I desire. I realize that fullness for me carry so much meaning. It means I’m safe. It means I’m loved. There’s all these emotions wrapped up with fullness, when really the em...

  I don’t want to stay where I am. I don’t like feeling lost. I have dreams, I have goals, and I will get there. The sabotaging part of myself thinks that that should be easy. I have this idea that therapy and working on things is this linear path towards being cured. In reality the path is much more like a tangled ball of string.  My biggest roadblock is feeling emotions. I’ve learned to block them off so well that sometimes I don’t even know how to pull back the layers and find the true emotion underneath. Truth be told that if I’d let myself admit it, there’s a lot of sadness and a lot of anger buried within me. I had a good therapeutic cry yesterday and it helped. I don’t think I’m done yet, the tears keep springing up. It’s getting closer to the anniversary of Michael‘s death and I’m not dealing the best with it. I say I’m not doing the best with it like there’s rules for dealing with it!  I’m learning that strength is not measured by the tears that flow. Strength is...